911_to_love

Chapter 3.

Disclaimer: Shonda Rhymes and all the other fabulous writers. Abc.com

After Addison cleaned herself up, she went to lay down in an on call room. With her eyes open she stared up at the ceiling. Why was her life so similar to a soap opera? She knew it was partly her own fault; she just couldn’t keep her voice down when she was upset or angry.

As she was over thinking that day’s events, the door opened. She didn’t notice someone walking in until two piercing blue eyes looked straight in to her green ones.

“Derek?” Addison started to get up from the bed.

“Addie, Sweetheart, it’s all right, just lay down” he looked at her with eyes full of worry and sorrow.

Addison lowered herself back on the bed but her whole body remained tensed. Derek lay down next to her. At first they were just staring in to nowhere, their bodies inches apart but not close enough for physical contact.

After a while Derek pulled her in his arms, his face buried in her flaming red locks.

Addison started crying, Crying became sobbing when he started placing soft kisses on her forehead. She was glad he held her, it was comforting and for the first time since her arrival in Seattle she felt loved.

“I know you miss him Adds” Derek whispered while caressing her cheek. ”he was all we ever wanted” he add.

Addison nodded and wiped away her tears. She took a deep shaky breath.

”I loved him so much Derek” she whispered.

“I know Addie, so did I” he rubbed her back in slow soothing circles. “it broke us apart, we got absent, we no longer cared”

Addison shook her head. ”I cared, I cared so much for you” she looked at him, eyes still wet from tears now filled with caring and expectation.

Derek remained quiet, then he snorted. “well, yes, and you had a nice way of showing it!”

Addison pulled away. ”Don’t even start there Derek, by now the whole hospital probably knows about our dead son, our joke of a marriage and the affairs, lets just stay friendly for a little while? Because I need you Derek, you’re all I have left” She started crying again.

Derek quickly held her in his arms again. “I need you two Addison, now more then ever”

They lay in silence, just holding one another tightly .

Minutes passed, slowly they drifted off to sleep. Safely dreaming in each others embrace…

###

Meredith Grey was having a good day. She assisted on a successful Appendectomy structure this morning and had just finished her second successful surgery for that day. She was now on her way to tell the parents of Mark Sloan’s sixteen year old patient that their daughters angioma simplex had been (again successfully) removed without any complications and close to no scarring.

When she finished talking to the parents she went to the nurses station to give Patricia her chard and ask if somebody knew where Dr. Shepherd was. After asking around for a while she found out he went in to an on call room at the third floor.

Approaching the door she smoothed her scrubs, pulled down her hair and liked her lips. She softly opened the door. She started walking towards the bed stopped dead in her tracks while letting out a small gasp.

Derek was a sleep on the bottom bunk, but next to him on the bed, in his arms was his ex-wife, or almost ex-wife, but still. She knew Addison was having a rough day. After the incident in the cafeteria Derek had explained to her a little more about Lars, who was apparently their son. She was ok with him being civil towards Addison but spooning in an on call room was going a bit overboard.

And it wasn’t so much the hugging that bothered her, it was the way they hugged, fitting in to each other like a completed puzzle. Her head laying on his chest, his lips touching her forehead, his right hand resting on her lower abdomen, their legs intertwined. As she studied them for a minute, Addison’s eyes begun to flutter and she started stretching.

Meredith froze when Addison’s emerald eyes locked with hers…

###

Addison had been in the middle of  something very good and important that she could now no longer remember when she woke up because she was being watched.

“Meredith?” she moved Derek’s hand off of her abdomen and unwrapped his arms from hugging her. Slowly she sat up and let her eyes adjust to the light.

Derek started waking up next to her. “Meredith” Addison repeated “it’s not what it looks like” she looked at the (still) frozen inter with concerned eyes.

“Mere!” Derek mumbled groggily “let me explain”

Meredith looked At him sceptical “oh, please explain Derek, because I thought you’d already explained it to me this morning! After I found out you not only have a wife but you also have a son!”

Derek sat next to Addison , who was staring out the window at the dark sky in silence.

“had” Derek whispered “we had a son, he was…” Derek began but he was interrupted by Addison “I had a rough day, Derek was just comforting me, nothing happened, we were both tired and we fell asleep” Meredith snorted “of course he was once again comforting you, the only problem is he shouldn’t, you’re divorced! I’m his girl friend, you” she pointed at Addison “are his EX-wife” Derek cleared his throat “almost ex-wife” he mumbled.

“same thing!” Meredith yelled, she looked at Addison who looked like she was about to cry and spat “You take every chance you get to win him back, don’t take me wrong, I’m willing to fight you, but a dead kid? I don’t have on so I can’t compete here!” Meredith was furious.

Addison and Derek both stared at her, shocked expressions on their faces .

Slowly Addison rose from the bed, she walked to the door without looking back.

The door slammed shut.

And silence remained.             

Disclaimer: Shonda Rhymes and all the other fabulous writers. Abc.com

“Karev! I want those lab results yesterday! Could you please go to the lab and ask how much longer it’s going to take?” Addison yelled at her inter for that day. “And wash that smile of your face, I’m really not in the mood” She snapped at him again. She still fell miserable after the elevator incident that morning. And she had always been crabby when she was hung-over, today was no exception.

Approaching the nurses station, she noticed a tall red-headed figure seated in the waiting area. The woman was about half way in her forties, She looked absolutely stunning. Her chestnut-Braun hair was cut slightly under her jaw, she was wearing a blue jeans with paint stains on it her torso was covered with a large green blouse, accented with a black belt that was tided very tight around her middle. Her shoes were, simple but elegant, four inch heels. She looked casual and relaxed. Addison walked towards her, at the sound of her clicking heels the woman’s head shot up. She rose from her chair and opened her arms. ”Jaz! Long time no see!” Addison grimaced at the nick-name but her face lit up again as she hugged her back. ”I’ve missed you two, Sisi!” The two women stared in to each others eyes, an arm length between them.

Addison broke away first. “I’ve to check on some patients and make sure my intern hasn’t angered the laboury-moms, and then I off to lunch, wanna join?” The other woman nodded. “sounds great”

“ok, I’ll see you in”, she checks her watch, ”thirty minutes?” Addison suggested. Again a nod. Addison started walking away towards the nurses station but then stopped for a second, “I’m serious Elinor, I missed my big sister!” she calls over her shoulder. Elinor laughs and replies; “well of course, although I didn’t miss you, you have always been a pain in my ass, lil sis” she winks and watches Addison disappear in the crowed of doctors and nurses.

###

Addison sat down in a chair across from Elinor, who was sipping her coffee while reading a newspaper. “Hi, SiSi” Addison took a bite from her salad and warmed her hands, folding them around her teacup. Elinor looked up “I thought you didn’t like the nick-names? Especially at work?” Addison ignored her “Tel me El, why are you here? Where are David and Lesley?” Elinor sighted “David is in France for business an Les is at the hotel, in bed, occupied with four DVD-boxes of Sex and the city, so I could come here and talk to my little sister who, so I’ve heard, is going trough a divorce!” Addison’s smile faded “you heard about that?” Elinor raised an eyebrow “of course I did!, even mom called me after thirteen years of silent treatment!” Addison gave her a worried look “are you ok SiSi?”

“Yes”

“You sure?”

“YES”

“Really?”

“Addison, stop it!”

“All right”

“How about you and Derek?”  

“I don’t want to talk about it”

A silence fell between the two of them.

“Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd?” Izzie Stevens Interrupted the silence.

“It’s just Montgomery, Stevens” Addison told her annoyed.

“Oh! I’m sorry! Dr. Montgomery, It’s just that Alex told me about Mrs. Dickens, she in room 10564. pregnant with triplets, two of them conjoined at their heads, and he, Alex, I mean Dr. Karev said that you said you’d need another pair of hands, so I hoped that-?” the intern stopped her rambling.

“You want to work with me again after the quintuplets?” Addison questioned amused.

“Yes, please”

“I’d be honoured to have you, Stevens”

“Really? Oh and thank you!” Izzie’s face began to glow, an happy smile formed on her lips.

“you’re welc-“ Addison answered, but Izzie had already disappeared to the interns-table. She turned back to Elinor, who had an amused smile on her lips and a twinkle in her eyes. “What!?” Addison questioned.

“I have no idea what the two of you were talking about but to see my little sister so, she searched for the right word, teaching-motherly-kin-dah-bossy, that’s just-“

“Oh, shut up SiSi!” Addison grinned.

“No, really, why didn’t you and Derek have another kid? You’d be an amazing mom and Derek would’ve made a wonderful dad” Addison’s smile fell, tears began to form in her eyes.

“I guess we were never ready” she paused for a moment and forced a confident smile “Don’t you think it’s a little late to think about that now?”

“Don’t you regret it?”

“Stop it Elinor!” Addison sat back in her chair, she stared at the interns-table, they where all laughing and eating, Christina van raising dollar billets from the others, she noticed that the other four were all looking at her now. She quickly turned her head back to her salad.

“I mean, you two were perfect for each other and-“ her sister was still talking about her and Derek.

“You don’t know everything, Eli!” Addison suddenly spat.

“I know about the affair; he ignored you for almost two years, before you decided to get his attention by sleeping with his best friend!”

“There is more, and it is between me and Derek!”

“Oh, come on!” Elinor hissed “don’t go all mystery-woman on me!”

Addison shook her head “I’m not, I’m just not that desperate, that I’m going to reveal my all my deepest feelings and secrets in the middle of the hospital, with my husband’s girlfriend twenty feet away, so my annoying sister isn’t bored to death because her husband practically lives in Europe, because of the amount of business trips he thinks are more interested than his family!” At the end of her tirade Addison was yelling. She felt the whole cafeteria stare at her.

Elinor looked at her with a surprised expression. Addison gathered her things and started to walk away but Elinor’s voice stopped her; “You’ve made mistakes, Jazless, we all have, but you are to decide how to deal with them! Not Derek, not Mom but YOU Adds!” She smiled a sad smile and continued; “ You should enjoy your life again Addie, Don’t dwell on the past! We all know that what happened to Lars broke you and Derek, it ripped you apart! But the two of you never tried to repair it! Never tried AGAIN, YOU GAVE UP!” Elinor Yelled as she rose from her chair.

Addison gave her a look of disgust, why in the name of god, Couldn’t her sister understand? She has always been a very private person, she didn’t want the whole hospital to know about her dead son! “You, Elinor, have absolutely no clue of what you’re saying! We didn’t want another one! We wanted him to stay with us, if not physically, we kept him with us in our heads, in our dreams and in our hopes! And THAT was just to precious for me to replace with another one! After a long time we got finally ready, we were! I got pregnant and he got absent,  I didn’t want to raise a baby alone! Luckily for me I didn’t have to, because I lost it when I fell and there was like every-freaking-day no body home to help me!” Hot tears rushed down her cheeks.

A dead silence fell.

Addison Forbes Montgomery had just told the whole hospital about her past.

She opened her eyes and looked to her left, a pair of piercing blue eyes observed her with a mix of love, loss,  pity and disgust.

She couldn’t look him in the eye. Suddenly she turned and rushed out of the cafeteria.

For the second time that day Addison found herself throwing up in a supply-closet.

Unable to breathe.

Unable to move.

She was broken…       

Disclaimer: Shonda Rhymes and all the other fabulous writers. Abc.com

You can tell yourself and everybody else around you that you’ll be just “fine”.

Face your fears, choose you own destiny.

But we’re all human, and human nature isn’t quite used to being completely civil when our old instincts kick in.

You can plan every second of your life and insist that it’ll all happen your way.

But we know better than that.

We always have a choice no matter what, but some things just happen, you can either deal with what you get or ignore it and pretend it was all part of the “plan”, we all no pretending doesn’t last for long.

And then there is again that thing that is considered “human”, we are the most self involved creations on this planet.

Your whole “being” is from your own perspective, our whole journey in this life can be compared to our own drama-series, your existence is followed by essence, your life is your(‘s) Anatomy…

###

The pounding headache and constant taste of vomit in the back of her throat, were probably the least of Addison’s problems that Tuesday morning.

She was absolutely terrified of the thought to face her co-workers after her embarrassing behaviour at Joe’s the other night.

But the thought that scared her the most was to be in an elevator with her (almost) ex-husband and his precious little intern; Meredith Grey.

Of course that was the first thing that happened to her five minutes after she entered the hall of SGH.

This was SO her life, Addison Forbes Montgomery no-longer-Shepherd wasn’t good friends with karma, karma hated her, it did her whole life and it continued even though she moved across the freaking country for a man who had been her husband for almost twelve years but had, after one night without her, decided to “fall in love” with a women ten years younger than her, karma hated Addison , Addison hated karma even more.

All this ran true her mind as she stood pressed up against the back of the elevator watching the two people in front of her flirt and kiss.

She wished with all her force that she could sink down a hole and fall down the cool-non-civilized elevator shaft.

 When all the other people were out of the elevator and it was just her and “them” ( only to think of them as “them” made her feel nauseas) she cleared her throat.

Derek and Meredith broke apart and quickly spun around.

“Good morning Dr. Montgomery” Derek greeted cheerfully.

She threw him a dead glare and replied by giving him a small nod, “Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Grey”

Derek smirked at her pained expression when she called the intern by her actual name this time.

Addison looked over to Meredith and locked eyes for a moment, the intern’s lips formed in to a small smile but it didn’t reach her eyes, those remained insecure, frightened and soft blue.

Addison hated the way she looked at her, like she was freaking Satan, Those puppy-dog eyes were the one watching her husband’s sleeping, naked form every night.

The elevator shook slightly and woke Addison up from her day-dream, the doors opened and an awkward silence fell.

The opened door revealed an annoyed Dr. Bailey followed by four of her surgical suck-ups, they all stared at the three people inside the elevator.

Dr. Karev, surprise, was the first to commend, “oh, dude, I wish we had security cameras in the elevators! I’d love to watch this, he paused, ride?” he gave Meredith an questioning look , Christina Smirked at Addison’s dead glare and Alex’s smiling face.

Dr. Bailey cleared her throat, “What in the name of God are you FOOLS waiting for?” She yelled, “now, Get your pretty @asses off that damn Elevator!” she turned towards Meredith, “Grey, rounds started five minutes ago, NOW GO!”

Addison was first to react, she hasted off the elevator and ran out of eyesight.

Her race ended in an empty supply closed.

“take a deep breath” she told herself, it didn’t work, she felt her stomach churn and her throat tighten, vomit landed in one of the supply boxes, she opened her eyes, the sight of latex operating gloves covered with puke didn’t help her stomach settle.

Finally after the fourth time it stopped.

She felt Empty and Exhausted, she felt like crying, and most of all, she felt more lonely than she’d ever felt in her life.

Prologue

-What do you get when you fall in love?

You only get lies, pain and sorrow.

It makes you feel like you are capable of everything.

Whether you like it or not: love makes you vulnerable, because the one you fall in love with has all the power over you.

You do things your mother told you never to do.

You feel things that are so strong that they’ll force you in directions you should never be.

And when this overwhelming feeling ends…

Then you fall, you fall out of love, you fall apart.

But still you need it, love is all we need, other people are what matters.

Without love we would be nothing but silhouettes.

Life is like walking a tight rope, its all about balance.

Balance is what keeps us alive, either physically as Mentally.

As her tears mixed up with rain, Addison walked true the streets of Seattle.

There was nothing more she could do.

They were done, they weren’t Addison and Derek anymore.

Raindrops kept falling from the overcastted sky, thunder and lightning succeeded each other.

The only light that shines up on the streets is coming from a few windows of people’s houses.

But nothing frightened her, she kept walking, she had nothing to be afraid of.

After all, it couldn’t get any worse.

She needed to feel something, her whole body felt numb.

She needed alcohol, A lot of alcohol.

But it was late, all the bars where closed and she didn’t have anywhere to go.

Derek was in his freaking trailer, screwing the dark and twisty, twelve year old intern.

She could go to a hotel…with a mini-bar!

She grabbed the ends of her dress, pulled them together and started walking towards a big street with many lights.

Walking became running as she saw a cab coming her way.

“The archfield please”

Five glasses of martini and seven shots of straight tequila later she decided that it was time to call Mark.

She needed him here.

He could ease the pain of her failed marriage, and her ass of a husband.

Mark was what she needed now, apart from alcohol, she needed the sex and the compliments that made her feel special.

Mark always made her feel special and she needed to be special, everybody needs to feel special from time to time…

Strong yellow light, strange shadows and weird noises woke Addison from her drunkdreaming.”

Her eyes open, slowly reaching out, something to get her up.

Moaning she pushed herself up to sitting position, with help from the nightstand she was able to get on her feet.

She rushed to the bathroom as the world around her started spinning.

Heaving, the strong taste and finally the clattering sound of vomit.

There was one plus point to this situation, she finally felt something, she was able to feel again!

the feeling that she felt was a nightmare, but still, she had feeling!

She started crawling back to bed, as soon as her head hit the pillow she was off to a place far, far away…